oh my goodness,there are actually people at my blog?i thought no one visited it anymore so i got lazy to update.well stu,good to know you came by,and the rest too.deb,when's the actual date.you'll be missing my confi anyways.yes,my confi on the 13th nov!!everyone's presence will be appreciated really.okay,so schools over,i did promise to do consistant work,but?hahaha...oh wells.things are great,have been shopping so much,but not for myself...a million birthdays are coming.claire's just passed and i hope i made her happy?fingers crossed.anyhoos.life's awesome right now,so free so easy,no strings attached.i hae no complaints and my blogs usually a center for me to trash it all out.dont seem to have much to say now though...everythings in place.feelings are where they should be-hidden.happiness on the surface and within as well,content is eternal and gratefullyness is bustelling.i dont feel lonely when we're apart,cos i know that two lives could never be joint forever.but i feel like im receiving as much as im giving so its pretty fantastic.the smile still remains from the last time and its all fine!hahha,you'll never know you'll never know.so this is another episode,which will be left a mystery not to be discovered?my nature is to hint and keep everything else private.isnt that more thrilling?im gibbering nothingness again.oh well.i have great music on and i hella cant multi task.i love you guys,thanks for paying me a visit.drop a note or smt.god bless,remember to say you prayers tonight.goodnight!
guess what guess what!haha,im happy today.i thought i'd dread today so much.i guess talking my mouth out at recess was a blaster and that really makes me grateful that i have them, you hear that nat!jen!jaz!jeannine!dawn! CLAIRE CHUA!START COMING dOwn TO SEE ME DURING RECESS PLEASE.I MISS YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH OKAY!i kept peering to the open to see if you were coming,apperently not.its okay,but i miss you vally vally much.school waS awesome and im happy!hahha.looks like i shall just be contented with my joy cos like i said,noting good ever lasts so im going to enjoy the moment.i miss laughing with you though,though your laugh wasnt really happy.i shall take another step forward.so much has been happening...my mind cannot focus.my heart hasnt been praying,just longing.i miss you god,i shall say my prayers tonight loud and clear.i hope you'll be there to listen...i promise to stop complaining.haaa.happy,deffinately!empty...i guess?no reason not to smile though!
this hurt inside is eating up my pride.forgive me,its all my fault.im sorry,i should have known.caught in the pictures of you and me.forgive me,it hurts so much.im sorry,im not the one.i thought you'd always be beautiful.it just stinks watching you leave alone.
when you are living the life of a down trodem its hard not to ruin tempels but thats your challange to me and my sacrifice to you.how does one go about keeping everything in perfection when this world is polluted with lies and deception.as much as i want to perish all forms of hopes and dream it just lies there.i want it to rot away but its not depleting nor decaying what so ever.just go away please.i wanna run away from this mess.i dont blame anyone because i let myself fall.i talk about people being naive but it looks like i fell into your spell.so maybe i dont stand firm to my values and morals so much and my mindset is easily swayed but im still be.i still have a human heart and it is still very capable of feeling.im glad there is also somehting such a pretendence.unfortunately,the devil is also around.tempting people,destroying lives and ruining friendships.evident by all these sadness in this place.cat class used to be so united so happy so peaceful.maybe we had something too close to perfection.thats why everyone's falling out and hating now.cos it was too good for the evil one to handel he had to do something.guess what!you succeeded!and i hate you for that.im not going to let you win.god is so much more powerful then you are and your going to die in your own pool of blood when you see us receive the holy spirit on the 13th of nov.torns make us appreciate roses better.but the wilt...just like us...we die.so whilest we have our beauty,or wealth or hapiness,really make full use of it because within days.you'll find yourself in a mess you created for yourself.or maybe its not the whole world,just myself.i hate it.stop talking so much and acting like your all sensible,reflect on your own reflection okay.im sorry im angry.sometimes things just exceed the limit and im a victim of this agony.no,im stronger than yesterday.your never going to win this one.
maybe i worked extra hard to barry you alive today,but when its all over,you're still my wonderwall.
so there goes another chapter of my life.as fruitful as it was,as special as it was,as much as id like to keep it,i have to be strong and let it go.silly giving up something that made you smile,laugh,feel like the world belonged to you with out putting up a good fight.but its all for the better,because when hate is present,love cant do much.good bye to those never ending pages we were gonna fill in that book,goodbye to all the simple times where we just walked our lives away,goodbye to everything i thought i ever had.words hurt and lies kill and you've accomplished all that in less then a week but i promise i dont hate you.its all going to be okay.maybe life's plan doesnt include happiness?thats okay,im still awake today to face the world with open arms.its alright to accept your apology the first time.only love can heal wounds the second.but im not playing the fool so as to permit myself into your lies again.im sorry if i dont forgive so easily and i cant trust as well anymore.but i did give it to you,you just betrayed it?your amazing,you know it.but im glad you found your conscience.its times up living a life that pleases you.its so stupid,its all stupid im begining to laugh.so right now,ill tie it up and place it some where deep down and hope it never finds its way up again.its time to put on a smile again.im sorry if my eyes dont convey the same hapiness as my expression tries to.its right,and honest to follow your heart.but dont drag people down with you just because your suffering.swallow your pride and ask for help and stop murdering innocent hearts with those sweet sweet words.i dont wanna judge you from what you've done before,i didnt.maybe the transformatino didnt go so well.or maybe im just not all that.im sorry im not going to change myself to be just like her.and only you have power over what you feel.ill make an exception if you dont have control over your words and lies though,because thats just you.good riddance.
simply havent had the time to blog.and if i were to start right now,ill fill up to 10 pages long.there were so many thing i intended to put up,but they have all slipped my mind now.a think ill let the hero drown in this one.im okay...everything isn't bad at all.just for you and your selfishness.i wish i didnt care so much,because i love you thats why i do.and to care so much and appreciate the simplicty of a friendship isnt making you happy then fine,its just to leave right now.everyboby's busy with their own lives,or just too occupied wth themselves,it makes it hard to feel appreciated at all.im guilty,of being too occupied of whats going on in my life,i just block out the whole other world.i wonder if arms are still going to be open when i return to civilisation.my exams end on the 14th of next month.yes,pretty near to the exams thats why i should mug right now.and maybe learn the swim out of this mess...its alright,im okay :]
i just went for a walk,i wish it was raining,then maybe everything on the surface can be washed away.i feel like im casting poeple out lately.its not that anyone has done anything wrong so im ignoring them,it just that i dont want to do anything wrong you know?im not in the best moods these day,but im not depressed nor sad or angry at the world,its just me growing up having to deal with the changes and the pressures of a teenager.so if i dont talk to you or reply when approached,just continue talking...it means the world to be.i like being alone lately,yeah,it gets a bit lonely sometimes,but loniness is an international suffering which i am able to deal with most of the days.i dont need a companion neither am i desperate to find a soulmate what so ever,i am happy with what i am and how i am.just get off my back when i dont make you proud or mess up the house with my laziness.i hate being studious and hardworking all the time.if one can have their bad days,why is it different for me.i hate it when things that go wrong and the blame is on me,and in addition, i have nothing to do with the mishap.it pisses me off even more when i care for you and i advice you against doing something that will get you into hot soup but you persistantly continue doing it.yout think i advice you for fun,you think i care for you carelessly,if i had a choice,id rather not care about anyone then it prevents me from getting hurt.yeah,i wanna be selfish.cos i dont see any point putting in so much effort, love and prayers for you and you just run out of your house and blame others for what you did.arent friends suppose to listen to one another and heed each others advice,our friendships disfucktional then.im not mad at you cos you did anything to be what so ever,but im mad cos it hurts to care so much and see it thrown away.if you can persistantly ignore how much all of us care for you,im also going to be stubborn and persistanly care for you till your driven to your own grave.just close my door,and let it stay locked for a while more.my hands are shaking but i lie perfectly still.i hope your happy now.i dont even know why i love so much.maybe you'll never know till you've lost what you've won.till then,take my picture of the wall if it wont sing for you anymore.and give me back my point of view,cos it wont think for you anymore.look what you've done.okay,just do what you do best and leave alone.mark me for my mistakes if that will be true joy to your heart.
i think yesterday i was pretty much not myself.with the exception of having such a total blast with claire.which i'll get back to that later.i was pretty mad at my mum for not letting me go to the gig.i felt that she was acting pretty unjustly.just cos nick and van went out till pretty late last weekend she got all paranoid that i'd do the same..i think?so as planned,we went for a meeting together in church for some cat class thing.i didn't take interest in what ever who ever had to say because i was pretty concentrated on wanting to be a third place.i missed leon's band play, i really wanted to hear them play.really really wanted to.but thats another story all together.so i had this whatever,suit yourself attitude with my mum.i hated the fact that she didnt allow me to go.and i was actually pissed.i usually make the effort not to be pissed with my mum everytime she doesnt allow me to do something.and its so me to encourage my friends to be more understanding with their parents cos all their intensions are usually good, or for the better.but as of yesterday,i learnt that to be able to comprehend their very intensions are not one bit easy.i don't know.i still regret not going to the gig but i definately regret more that i ascted so rashly.and yes claire,you made me think about it when you said "val,this is not you to be like that" when i sent you off in the cab. i reflected,i thought about it and do you remember just last sunday i told you to not be pissed when your mum didnt let you go to see crossbred.haha, ya i guess all this is just stupid.well,i guess ill just take this as a learning experience.and im definately not going to be perfect after this,but hell with it, im gonna try and put in more effort.
okay,there was a bright side of yesterday actually!hahah,after town claire and i headed to my place and we made mocha frap.claire is a bigggg mess up with chocolate fights on top!haha, our private play!but ya,i wont go into it.i just wanna shout it out loud to the world that i appreciate claire's awesome friendship because she CLAIMS that i dont tell her i appreciate her enough?haha,JOKES!i tell you evryday in my secret ways.i am just really thankful that i have been blessed with such a friend,my super best friend.she's my motivator, my encourager, my consoler, my ROLE MODEL! and my company when i wanna shop for clothes which she's too damn cool for!hahaha.you are NOT fat,you want fat,you look at ME!haha,freakshow.oh i forgot,you're my absolute godsentbitch...its a good thing!oh-oo...i think i should have wrote this in your testimonial.okay,im going out to face this world with full force because of all your tremendous support.i should seize this opportunity to let all my friends know that everything that they've ever done for me is so appreciated.love you guys.mel,i miss you like...like...can't express.you better come visit me soon ah,doon't ditch me for you cool guys please!natty,i feel like saying i love you too!and duane,thanks for accepting me,im glad i just made it!haha.
i wrote in my book last night.26 of july, nine in the stary night,with the sky upon our backs.we went together,and it sucked to see you walk through that door.it never looked so sad seeing you leave alone.i held my own hands together and wrote...And it was so hard letting you go.it has never been that painful seeing you leave alone.i'll look foward to two months later, till we meet again, and i get to be in your sweet embrace once more.i dread the time,the length is killing me tonight.while there,i pray that no perils and woes come your way.i say a silent prayer and cry a quiet tear.but everything i fear mounts up inside.forever ill love you.im still trying my best to be good,cos thats the very last words you whispered in my ears,that made my heart skip and beat,then pound.i hope you knew that that one last touch,meant everything and the world to me.i love you daddy.please take care.i hate to express myself,cos im too young,too proud to show how much i care.but i do miss you,and you'll know as long as you''re thinking of me.
its saturday-midnight.and the stillness of the night sends a shiver down my spine.wondering where this crowded house disapeared to.it was gradually fading away, first it was nick coming home past midnight half the time, then van late from a hetic day at school, and mum with her night classes.what happened to family time and dinner together every night?i don't know if i am pissed and hurt for my own selfish reasons or because i really want this family never to fall apart.maybe its a mixture of both.maybe only now i am beginning to understand why mum and dad were some what strict when we were younger and going out late at night.i guess this what i am feeling tonight is what they started to feel a few years when we stopped spending new years at home but with friends.what bothers me most is van and nick out at places where perhaps my parents are unaware of.so what if something happens.we wouldn't know where to look.its a scary thought and its making tonight rather morbid.so i always get what i dont want.some night im dying to get away from this empty apartment,some days i just want to well in the laughter shared within the family,but we;re growing up and one day im not going to live here anymore.and i guess its part and parcel of the circle of life.but hell,guess what world?i hate it!i want and expect so much its is no longer needs and mere wants.it has become endulgence.i cant be angry at anyone for not staying home tonight to keep me company i am just worried.worried because the world has justified the statement "what if tmr never come".what if it doesnt,there's so much more we have to live for under the glory of god.i am grateful for whatever my home has blessed me with so far.and its hard to show affection to those whom you love most.including my friends...best friends.the last thing i want to regret is regretting not telling the ones that i love most that they're appreciated.stu's right.how come we only pray for our friends when things so wrong.why didnt we think of praying for each other before any bad happens?you right now,think of someone special and wake up every morning asking god to be with her.
ive been going to novena and there are so many people there swaming up the church area.but what expressions do you see on their faces?its all balck and grumpy and angry.everyone's glaring at each other.week after week these people come and they dont see a reason to rejoice in.thats sad,it saddens me a whole lot.there's every reason to rejoice in,god is there to hear our prayers.and whoever intercedes throught mary will be aided,no doubt about that!so why do you mourn and weep,the eurcharist is there,at 7am and 6pm,day after day.if you need to find a quiet place,to hear his voice and seak his face and here his spirit calling,come away to mass.its as easy as that!-note to yourself val.i pray for happiness.and in my life,every day is a new episode to this tv series.in which some days are life performances and somedays a pre-recorded.whatever the outcome,depends entirly on myself.i can choose everymoring,what id like it to be.most of the time,i just simply take the back stage role.cos i am to frail, to keep putting up that act, and pretend that everythings...real.unable to comprehend?haa,me too.shutup.
random are my thought.i dont always write whatever i feel but what ever i have the passion for.beat me up senseless,maybe ill get up from this dream.cos my friends live the reality and its too harsh compared to my wander land.it has roller coster rides, big waves and steep slopped slides.i dont even have to stand in line,it comes to me!just like how you pictured it in the movies.i took a step closer,but you drew two steps back.then you came closer.but you can stop there no,i dont wanna reach until i fall in too deep.only to find out,youré not going to be there when neverday comes.ill smile for the world to see.becuase everthings alright.you are gonna walk around someday.until then,the sun still shines.so ill keep praying,till you are strong enough,and like the rest,walk out of my life.
i watched it flow as i felt it being drained
i had a sense of forbiding
but i just layed there to rest for a bit more
it didnt work out quite right
and i wondered why, since you promised forever.
dont even talk about promising forever
cos you cant handle it
dont even consider because forever ends on neverday
you threw it back to me on a friday night.
and i like to live in neverday
fall aleep and hope not to wakeup
pretend i cant hear
avoid the world outside of me
from the black screen
and let it cry out in raging storms tonight
ill leave you alone now
you dont have to worry about memories,
cos we've none to treasure.
but i left you behind,
to live in yesterday,so stop trying to come into today and i dont plan you in tmr
im screaming my lungs out
hoping no one hears the immense pain my heart is crying out.
no,dont even try to help.
i just want to be alone for sometime,
cos thats where my home is.
the door is at the far end,
please exit yourself from my thoughts.
i am not beautiful.i dont need to look in the mirror and be satisfied and contented with how i look(maybe cos ill never find satisfaction).the most important thing is that i am happy.and be contented with the little unmaterialistic things.i am not unique,i am different.im not special, i am normal.cos every other person is special, it defeats the purpose.this is my life,negativity in a bright light.its contridicting,ironic... but thats life.reality check:god is existant.i stood before him tonight,and he looked into my eyes.i was lost.i stood in awe of that awesome face.and he blessed me with joy and peace of mind.i am really fortunate,yes,i am grateful.but weird thought enter my head...why cant my friends be as prvillaged as me to see god's glory.maybe i am inspired and influence easily...but i trust sense and i know that there lived a saviour once before.i had an awesome time with claire today.she's obviously so awesome...she's best friends with so many but its okay.compromising will put everyone in a winning situation if you are an optimist so ya,she gets her hapiness and freedom and i...i am easily contented.like during choir today,we had a fruitful session.i wanted to dance because the mood was there,but harrow?val dont dance baby so as to ensure i dont bring the church down,wait,dont be mistaken...it has a firmfoundation!hahah.it was an eventful week.and i am tired.i havent had time to go to the post office,shit,im screwed.wow worship is good!and chubbs is very brave,cos he wacked me today.marcus,you watch out ah!(yes mike,your bro!)hahha.and id like to go on about committment again,but i am naggy.(right mrs field's boy!)ahhhhhh....i tried to change but i change my mind.i think ill have another glass of mexican wine.
thanks abs.for commenting that i make sense.hahha,actually makes poasting my thoughts online worth while.so cos of that,ill continue talking again!hahah...hello nxy,arghh,i like to call you dern!hope everything with you is a-okay babe,remember that you are a treasure to the choir,the sops,me!please continue to serve God in what you do best and keep in the faith!hello to all.had a pretty long day in school today.didnt end till five?stayed back to complete assignments.i realise that being lazy doesn't pay__made clear to me by nat.and im saying it again,if i had just one wish,it would really be...to be able to concentrate and focus more on my work and be more studious.i really try,but im powerless in this area.or so i think.i fear the thoughts of not being able to study well enough for the finals and ultimately,the o-levels.making my studies priority will end up neglecting other stuff,like church...leasure time...internet time/blogging time.so its really all about sacrifice and how much i am willing to force myself.its not going to be easy i know.and it might also lead to some disappointment i guess?like,i will not be able to be as committed to my other activites.a good example from yesterday's event in fact.well,it goes something like how my friend got pissed off because i didnt notice him waving at me.i had a flue and wasn't that alert so ya,he didnt catch my attention.im sorry but i really was exhausted from the previous day's packed schedule.i guess time and attention i give to one can make or break a person's day.and because i was tired-i was moody and i didnt have the liveliness in me.well,im am trying to cope with life and its challanges as well so excuse me.there are no obligations to say hi,but people make it seem like we're obliged to.so the next time someone doesn't greet you,take the first step to say harrow,good morning!for me,receiving that warm hug in return is the most fulfilling thing...of course i always perfer receiving first.haha,innate selfishness indeed.ah,homework calls.
so when the day comes to an end,i reflect on the events that took place today.and thats where the guilt comes in.i skipped odac today.first time in my whole life i say and its a haunting experience.im glad i didnt go,cos i gotta spend time with claire and glenna,of course.but i neglected my responsibility as a leader.oh wells!too bad...baahhhhhh.im frustrated with my assignments,they just keep flowing in and piling up.i am doing them,but ironically,the stack just keeps amounting.im trying to find a source of motivation to focus real hard on school work,but have yet to.so for now,im just using the sense of achivement i got from the previous day when i did my work.i wanna rip out my hair.but that would make me bold?leading to a whole other set of image problems.ha.actually,things arent all bad.especially now.my hero for the moment has gotta be aunty cecilia.in her darkest hours,she is the one i draw strength from.her undying faith as kept her going and in her silent misery,i find strength,hope and determinatinon.im im grateful to god and mother mary,for comforting her and providing her with the strength to wake up every new morning and say,okay...leave it to god hands.his faithfulness is forever.she stumps all doubt and just simply offers every spec of emotions and worries she has,to the king!and in her humbleness,she weeps for her ill son but she does not collaspe,she stand up stronger than the previous moment and reaches out to someone else in need.and thats simply awesome...a miracle to me.gerard's op got pushed to next week cos they had to drain fluid out today.oh well,tmr is a day closer to his health and let us rejoice and be glad in it.i cant convince you that there is a god,but hopfully influence your mindset through my action and believes that there is a living god!
i hate doing work on saturday mornings.ahh,just hate doing work!if i had one wish,it would be to be able to study.and if i were to make an international day...i would make it the "international YOU day" hahah.listening to the song now,could listen to it over and over again really.and theres another one..its hands down by dbc!listened to it 11 times repeatedly.the line "my heart is yours...to wear as jewelry" struck me.and i feel like screaming my lungs out right now,remembering yesterday...lalal.okay,stop singing!i hate it when people who sing well use their "quality" voices to sing punk,makes it sound so turn off!ahh...dont know why that even bothers me so much.its just music.but i guess music influences me a lot.and i dont know what im talking about.waiting for time to fly pass right now,so im just gibbering!we celebrated youth day yesterday,and i was thinking how bad the situation is with youths these days.that made me decide that i dont want kids.cos if their life stinks,it would be my fault cos i brought them into this ugly world called earth.which is nothing more than a stage to many.they say its what?attracting attention to pull a glum face!hahha,thats a good joke.i mean...if something didnt go so well,dohh you'd be sad...so why they need to pretend and put a grin on your face. and when you act happy they say you are fake.hello...wake up and make up your minds.i read so many profiles on friendster and they talk about being judmental... then why do some give others dirty looks and not like them,without evening knowing their last name?i guess its all human nature.and there is nothing i can do about it except talk and talk and YEAH,get judged.bahhh.happy 150th ij.!!and i am damn offended by what the news paper article said...hello no!ij girls are not purely made out of bitches,sluts and lesbians.thats such a general statement please.press and media is bad,thats is so jedemental!okay,im done.
you know what?i cant find anything to tag my own tag bord!haha.i didnt do anything to this...it all has to be credited to stu.and i like black!what background picture by the way?okay,nat...you wanna help me fix this mess?i trust your spunkie style!bahh...hey leo,i didnt forget anything.just couldn't find the time.i love you too bel!haha..thanks des.i wanned to bring you back to god,your doing fine.just continue to let him grow in you and with you day by day.im here if you need any shit,but what would you need from me.pfft.take care please you guys.i'm really busy,its only been 3 days of school and ive got 5 chapter of geog work in my bag waiting to be done.like...tuition every day.haa,its so fruitful.so unlike me.but its good...ill keep working.
first entry!woot woot woot.maybe voicing out some of your thoughts over the net is some what useful.so many people can read what you feel bla bla bla, and it may actually enlighten some who are interested in your situation.especially when you have NO VOICE!like right now...my phone keeps ringing.but i just cannot answer it.because this voice of mine ran away for a good two days.no!im not ignoring anyone,please!just reading a couple of people's blogs and there seems to be so much hate,so many troubles in the air.but there's nothing i can do except put in my two cents worth of encouragement.but how do you encourage your friends when you yourselves are going through so much shit.you say,its gonna be just fine,tmr's gonna be a better day.hello?please check and put it on note to self.okay,i should relax.im on medication.theres so much i'd like to voice out,its screaming inside of me.but what if i give my views on how people's actions affect me, my reflections of the day la la la...would people be angry?or misunderstand my intentions or statements and hate me.nothing i ever do in this world will ever please everyone at the same time.makes me not wanna do anything at all...so im a slacker.AND THATS WRONG TOO!?goshh...its not a nice feeling having no sound come out of your mouth at all.i went to the doctor's yesterday,and my aunty was like"woahh...its the best time to scold you now"hahah,like i always argue back excuse me?hah,like you dont already nag at me all my life!haha...okay,she doesnt.my dad got mad cos i didnt say hi to him when he got home..did he know i was unwell.dammit.i waved?he thought that was rude..haha,you tell me how not to get mad like that?okay,i think im just randomly speaking...im not sure what about.its time for a wake up call.gees.